Saturday, May 21, 2011

One Month Ago Today...

...We arrived via Asian Airlines on US Soil with the newest member of our family.

I can hardly believe Cora has been home for one month already. One month I have been her mama. One month I have walked her tirelessly day and night. One month I have woke up to such a treasure. One month I have had the sheer priviledge of getting to know her. I'm in such awe of Cora. I look at her so many times throughout each day and smile...I can't believe that she is actually here, a part of our family, a Hubler.

Oh, but things aren't quite where we need them to be. No, we're not there yet, Cora and I.  Her love, trust, and affections are worth more than a mere month and I don't expect her to be handing it away to just anyone. Attaching and bonding are at constant work around here. I'm searching for new ways to earn her trust. To prove my loyalty and my love to her. To impress upon her that we are a forever family.

During the night the distance between us is almost deafening at times. The way that she struggles to get out of my arms. The way Cora pushes my hand away when I am trying to soothe her. The way she turns to face outward just so she doesn't have to feel the closeness. The way her face crumbles when she wakes up only to see my face. The way she cries from deep down, missing her family and everything that is familiar to her from her life in Korea. The way that no amount or kind of comfort from me will do. The way that she would just rather be left alone to grieve. It breaks my heart on a daily basis. How I wish I could take away her pain, how I wish I could make her life different. How I wish I could snap my fingers and heal her losses. times throughout the day though, I'll admit that it's easy to forget just exactly where we are. I love the way Cora smiles and kick her legs with wreckless abandon when she "suddenly" sees me while Daddy is holding her. I love the way she leans out...which is her way of telling me she wants me to hold her. I love the way Cora smiles so proudly when she grabs onto each of my hands and walks around the house where ever her heart desires. I love the way she turns to look at me while I am feeding her her bottle. I love the way Cora snuggles with her blanket and how her face lights up when I say "oooh, so soft!" I love to see the excitement come across her face when she hears her Korean music playing. I love the way her face lights up when I ask her to go "aboobah" and she crawls over at lightening speed.  I love the way she claps when she is extra happy with something. I love the way she waves bye-bye. I love how Cora's face lights up when Ella, Ben, or Lily come around. And I love the way she smells.

Sometimes, in these little moments, it's easy to forget...because amidst the smiles, giggles, squeals of excitement, and snuggles...everything isn't "normal" yet for Cora. We are still buiding a foundation to grow upon, learning about each other...and y'all...relationships take time and work. That's just the reality of it. No one trusts their life to just anyone...and they certainly don't do it in a month's time. There are moments where it is obvious that Cora isn't exactly convinced we're the ones for her. After all, it wasn't by her choosing that she came to us.
One month ago a new chapter started for Cora, one she didn't have any say in, one that would be written with a different family, culture, and language...but one that is still hers none-the-less and one that I now have a part in writing. I promise to give all that I have to this little girl. To help her adjust, heal, attach, and bond the best that I am capable of. I will continue to pray for God to heal her hurts, the loss that she has had to endure, and the grieving that she continues to experience in a way that only our Heavenly Father can. I'm blessed beyond measure to have been entrusted with a precious eternal soul.

I love you, Cora Jihee.

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